Why Moms Don’t Reach Out for Help
(even when they’re only sleeping a few hours each night…)
When my first child was 4 months old he went from being a bad sleeper to even worse. He went from waking 2-3 times/night to waking every 45 minutes, ALL. NIGHT. LONG. We had resorted to bedsharing out of desperation and my husband had moved to the couch. My mom was actually the one who started telling me about sleep experts, or sleep coaches, who could help me. And to be honest, it took another 10 weeks of sleeplessness to even consider it. I had this huge mama ego about me. I just kept thinking, moms have been getting their babies to sleep for thousands of years and I will be no different.
Fast forward to when my son was 6.5 months old and I was barely holding on to my mental and emotional health, my sanity, from lack of sleep and I met a sleep consultant who changed my life. In 3 days. Long story short, it is the reason I am a Certified Pediatric Sleep Specialist and Family Coach today, helping exhausted and frustrated parents of babies and children who just won’t sleep.
That was my reason, my mama pride or ego, that kept me from reaching out for help sooner, but I want to explore some of the other reasons and debunk some of the other myths that have kept moms from getting help for their family around sleep.
My Baby Doesn’t Need to Sleep Through the Night / Isn’t Supposed to Sleep Through the Night
On one hand, this is true, because no one actually sleeps straight through the night without waking at all. But that’s a bit misleading. You see, everyone wakes in the night. I read a statistic that says most of us have a waking or partial arousal up to 8 times each night. This happens when we transition between and sleep cycles. We enter lighter stages of sleep and often have a partial, or even full, waking. Most of the time we don’t even remember them in the morning. Well, the same is true for your child. The problem, however, isn’t these brief wakings, it’s when your child doesn’t have the ability to roll over and put themselves back to sleep. So, this leads to full blown wakings, and requires a parent to come in and recreate the situation they need in order for them to fall back asleep. And these types of wakings, lasting 10 minutes to several hours, are not what we’re talking about when we say everyone wakes in the night. That level of fragmented sleep has detrimental effects on your child and yourself. The scientific research proves that sleep is essential for your child’s healthy brain development, learning and retention, heart health, and even physician growth. And the impact sleep deprivation has on children has even been found in babies. Essentially, if your child isn’t sleeping straight through the night (putting themselves back to sleep after very brief arousals), then they aren’t getting the sleep their brain and bodies need to function optimally. But science aside, most parents would agree that lack of sleep leads to grumpy people, am I right? And that’s true for children and parents alike. Sleep is not a luxury, it is a necessity and an important component to a healthy lifestyle.
I Can’t Let My Baby Cry-It-Out (or I’m Not Strong Enough to Follow Through)
This is the elephant in the room when it comes to teaching your child to sleep well and often a reason moms don’t reach out. First let’s clear up “cry it out” This term gets thrown around wildly in the sleep and parenting world, but isn’t clearly defined. What it actually means is you put your baby in their crib, you close the door, and you don’t come back until morning. It assumes that crying is what teaches your baby to sleep. First off all, that isn’t true and second of all, I find that to be unnecessary. It’s not something I would feel comfortable doing with my own children, nor would I ask anyone else to do.
That being said, yes there will be some crying when teaching your child independent sleep skills. Making changes to anyone’s sleep habits usually results in some resistance (even as adults). Imagine if I came in and had you sleep on the other side of the bed, with a different pillow, or on a different bed. You would likely resist. Same will be true for your baby. But because the sleep plan I write for my clients is custom designed for their family with personalized support, what I find is that the amount of crying is considerably reduced than if you tried to go at it alone with a sleep method off of the internet or a book.
How much crying really depends on your child’s personality, how big her/her sleep debt is, and how overtired he/she is. Crying is a symptom of fatigue, confusion, and frustration, and may not be completely prevented.
What I can tell you is that I would never ask you to leave your child for long period of time to cry without responding to him/her and I will support you on just how to do that. The good news is that when done right, crying is minimized and success is achieved. Once babies learn how to fall asleep on their own – which can happen pretty quickly – the crying goes away!
I Don’t Want to Be Put On a Strict Schedule Forever
While a consistent schedule, following appropriate wake windows (or suggested times between sleeps based on your child’s age) is a very important piece to teaching your child to sleep well, I want to assure parents that they will be able to have a life after sleep training. Children thrive on predictability, but additionally when we put them on the right sleep schedule this optimizes their ability to fall asleep easily. It ensures that they are tired enough, but not too tired, to sleep well. When I coach families through the sleep teaching process, it’s important to be very consistent with the schedule so I can see how the baby responds and they can make changes as needed so it continues to be as easiest and stress free as possible for the child.
All that being said, once your child learns independent sleep skills they will become much more resilient and will be able to bounce back from a missed nap or late bedtime. I generally tell parents that following an 80/20 rule following sleep training works well. So 80% of the time stick to your schedule and have your child at home for sleep, but that variation 20% of the time is usually safe for not causing a regression into old sleep habits and that your child can handle. So, this should definitely not be a reason you don’t teach your child to sleep well. Sleeping amazingly, at home, on their schedule, most of the time WITH the resiliency to deviate from time to time, is really a win-win!
I encourage you to reach out if your family is struggling to get the sleep they need and deserve. It doesn’t have to be that way! Sleep is within reach and you don’t have to wear sleep deprivation like a badge of honor. Schedule a complementary sleep evaluation call with me today. It’s a chance for you to share with me what’s going on for your family, I can tell you what I see and share a bit about how I can help. It’s free and no obligation. Book today below:
